The last time I listened to these voices in my head, all I could hear was,
‘I want to die.’
I’ve written many suicide notes. I’ve held blades and glasses against my wrist but, have never been able to go further.
The feeling of worthlessness, abandonment, and isolation changes the person we are and, consequently alters the way we communicate with others.
The prolonged feelings of this, affects us physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually.
What we cannot avoid is this unwantedness, this feeling of void.
The big hole that the feeling of being unloved and abandoned creates in us.
Often, you feel this void in you.
You’ll be around a lot of people. A lot of people will try to show they love you, that they care for you and you mean something to them.
What you won’t be able to feel is that feeling of being wanted, no matter how crowded your room could be.
I have felt the same as you. I have felt unloved. I have felt abandonment. I have been there, I have experienced it. I am not completely over it yet. I am one of those who learn life’s best lessons in their hardest forms. Now I’m writing this to help myself, help you and those like us to learn how to deal with these toxic feelings.
I remember reading somewhere, that when we experience a severe feeling of abandonment or neglect, particularly at a young age, the shock from that experience tends to stay with us for the rest of our lives.
But, these shocking experiences continue to dwell within us and create deep wounds within us that hold firm beliefs about ourselves on an unconscious level, only if we fail to explore them.
Like I wrote in my previous article about guilt and shame, and how the feeling of ‘shame’ make us feel like we are worthless and convince us to believe that we are ‘the bad person,’ the deep wounds that the feeling of unwantedness and abandonment create in us, also push us to the extent of feeling unworthy and flawed.
What’s worse about this is, that in this phase of feeling abandoned and unloved, we also convince ourselves to believe that we are irreparably broken.
Which is wrong!
You are fragile. Now you are broken, but you’re mendable.
In the process of learning how to mend your ‘broken heart’, you have got to focus on a few things.
Breathe. Relax. Read along with me.
We’ll come through this together.
1. UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT SOUL CAPACITY
If you are someone who can only show love, kindness and cannot stand to see someone hurt because of you, then it’s nice to meet you, you are an amazing soul! But remember, everyone you meet cannot be you. Everyone cannot be kind and considerate. Expecting them to be, is utterly your fault. Understand that every one of us has a different soul capacity. We cannot expect love and concern from people who do not have the capacity of showing it.
2. SELF-PITYING COULD BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE
I remember my best friend once told me that I ‘self-pity’ too much. He said it out of rage, I was angry at him for that but while I try to find answers as to why I feel unloved and abandoned, I am pondering on that one line of his now.
‘You could build a castle out of all your self-pity.’
As always, I had to learn this the hard way: the more you victimize yourself and romanticize your pain, the more you will stay stuck in cycles of misery and resentment. It’s tempting to use our stories of abandonment and mistreatment to make us secretly feel righteous and special, but the truth is that this does more harm than good. Mourning what we lost is a natural part of the grief cycle, but constantly revisiting and dwelling on our stories is unhealthy and even self-destructive. Accepting what happened is vital to the process of inner growth and transformation, WITHOUT self-pity.
3. WE HAVE A DEFICIT OF SELF-LOVE IN OUR SOCIETY
Most people don’t like, respect, or value themselves. As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen. Understanding this can help you to better empathize with others, or at the very least, comprehend why they behave the way they do.
“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”
4. IT IS POSSIBLE TO FILL THE VOID IN YOU
The general thought that we have about ‘filling the empty hole in us’ is that we cannot do it without the support of others. It is right. The assistance of others was necessary, it was more of a priority when we were children. But, as adults, we do not need that support. People around us can give us the motivation to move on with life, they can give a shoulder to cry on when we need, wipe our tears and tell us we will be okay. What they cannot do is to fill the empty hole. They cannot completely remove the void in us.
To do this on our own, we must all keep in mind that we all have a child in us.
If you were abandoned as a child emotionally, mentally or physically, the best thing to do is to start learning how to re-parent your inner child. However, if you are dealing with the pain of feeling unloved as an adult, self-love is the ultimate way to overcome this trauma.
Learning how to love yourself is hard – so is learning how to re-parent your inner child – however, they are both vital tools that will help you to become vulnerable again, and therefore receptive to giving and receiving love.
What I’m telling you is not that you are going to be fine overnight, but, you are going to be fine, only if you believe that you will be fine. Only if you work on putting yourself together. Only if you believe that you are the only person who can make you feel loved and important again. You are the only person who has the cure to healing your broken heart.